7.6.19

Suppose alone is the method

And if you sign your name

A heart stops dead

The shape of your signature

Could mean so much to a man.

I spend every day

Trying to deny this feeling.

I’m failing at moving on.

I’m still in love,

Even in this drought.

If you have a single pixel in your heart

That you can devote to me,

Please know you are already

My everything.

My madness world

My madness world comes to a calm

After shaking, two-handed grip

And that’s it

Everything must settle down

Because i’ve been told that

Everything must settle down

Do you know what i want?

I want you to climb on top of me

In a public changing room

I want eat you out in a hidden corner of

A public park

I want to fuck you

Sincerely

On a mountaintop where someone might discover us

I want to take risks with you

I want the risk

I want your continuous excitement

I want to taste your sweetness again and play with you

I miss playing

2.19.19

I’m healing but the process is scarring. Communication is medicine. When you speak, i am healed. Loss is the wound, knowing you are around means I have not quite lost. I can’t be everything you need, and neither can you be to me. But you are necessary, and i pretend i am just as necessary. That’s what keeps me level.

I don’t know you as well as i would like. Less now, maybe, than i ever did. I only know my own heart. That’s the only thing i know for sure.

I’m changing. I was once young and immature and recklessly devoted. I see my self-serving attachment to you, now in hindsight. I was flawed, and i still am.

I think of you daily. I know that’s not much, but for me it is the rising of the sun and the fading of daylight. If i see a cloud, it is within the context of all this.

This is my story, you are the title. It is good and difficult and incomplete. I get no relief from this reality, and i don’t ask for one either. This is my survival, my peace, my heart life.

I’m afraid i’m losing my memories and understanding of you so when i go to write something i have a skeleton of memories and a very thin understanding of who you are and so i just sit here staring at the screen wanting to write and wanting to say everything but i just don’t know where to begin it has been so long so much time and so many changes really so so many changes loves mistakes fucks jobs cars dreams homes babies life changes and

Even after all of this madness i miss you and still want to sit down in a park or next to a river waterfall and just talk until we both get that feeling that we are ok and that everything will be ok

Do you know you always did that for me when we talked on the phone i would always feel relieved i dont know what that means but i miss it and i miss you

Call me

Call me call me on the phone and tell me all your memories

I’m listening

Tell me all about the time you went out with the new guy you’re seeing

I’m listening

I’m all ears tonight

Call me late at night, it’s alright, it’s not your fault it’s the time zones

I’m listening

Tell me what you did today and that everything is ok

I’m listening

I’m all ears tonight